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How to prepare for a deployment to Iraq/Kuwait

Posted 04-22-2011 at 06:28 PM by Chief
When I was deployed in '06 I found this little list. A friend of mine and myself added to it. Hope you like it.

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.
2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.
3. Two hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, “Sorry, wrong cot.” Repeat at random intervals.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. On the other hand, for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor’s. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away. Don’t flush.
5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on “HIGH” for that tactical generator smell.
8. Don’t watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.
9. Tape “Monday Night Football”; don’t watch it until Tuesday morning.
10. Tape the eight dumbest commercials you can find. Play them for all commercial breaks to simulate AFN.
11. Put a pool table and ping pong table in your family room.
12. When on the internet, simulate that your most favorite of all websites are blocked by the Military Internet Nazi’s and don’t visit them.
13. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.
14. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
15. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor’s house. Laugh at him when he curses you.
16. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub. (See #4)
17. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
18. On the other hand, pick a restaurant, any restaurant; now eat there three times a day, every day.
19. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.
20. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.
21. Another good shower simulation. Use only cold water or hot water not both.
22. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again. Make sure you document this.
23. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking. Never clean the pot or your mug.
24. Invite at least 185 people you do not really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.
25. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
26. Raise the thresholds, lower the top sills of your front, and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
27. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the bathroom with you. Do not forget your gun and flashlight.
28. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, “just in case”; every time.
29. Announce to your family that they have mail; have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, “Sorry, it’s for the other Smith.”
30. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you do not know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.
31. Quit using the washer and dryer at home. Go to a laundry-mat.
32. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
33. Refer to anyone you don’t know as “Hajji”
34. Quit using English measurements. Convert yourself to metric.
35. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it is for Malaria.
36. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
37. Right when your kids are about to beat the record on their Xbox, go downstairs and throw the breaker. Leave it off for 5 to 10 minutes to simulate generator failure.
38. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.
39. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect yourself from mine blasts and fragmentation.
40. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.
41. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3am. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows. 20 minutes after the detonation email your neighbors to inform them that you will be registering mortars that day.
42. Drink your milk and sodas warm.
43. Drink only “Neer Beer”.
44. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard. Don’t level it.
45. Never go anywhere alone. Always take a battle buddy. TPI – Two-Person Integrity.
46. Before any car trip out of your subdivision, have your spouse type up a traveler that authorizes your trip. List everyone’s names. Ensure your kid’s super soakers are fully loaded and that you have a cell phone.
47. After a long car trip, stop a quarter mile from your house and have your spouse ground guide you to the driveway.
48. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.
49. Before anyone enters the house, ensure they show you their Military ID. For your friends they can use their Drivers License.
50. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4’s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.
51. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
52. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a supply request and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum. For better effect, lose the paperwork all together and have him re-submit.
53. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in burn pit you dug in your neighbor’s backyard.
54. Wait for the hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won’t get hot.
55. Just when you think you are ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another year to simulate the next deployment you have been ordered to support.



If you read all this and did not laugh then something is wrong with you, and yes all good humor has its basis in truth.
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Comments

  1. Old
    Panda's Avatar
    Number 53 is a bit far, but other than that it's hilarious.
    Posted 04-25-2011 at 07:41 PM by Panda Panda is offline
  2. Old
    SWAT.'s Avatar
    HAHAHA this made me laugh so hard! Although I don't know what it is really like yet, this gave me a pretty good idea
    Posted 04-25-2011 at 07:46 PM by SWAT. SWAT. is offline
  3. Old
    Specter357(2nd)'s Avatar
    Panda; Actually 53 is very common in Iraq.

    I personaly love 44 and 47. So true.
    Posted 04-25-2011 at 10:50 PM by Specter357(2nd) Specter357(2nd) is offline
  4. Old
    Red's Avatar
    Good ****, Chief.
    Posted 04-26-2011 at 01:15 AM by Red Red is offline
  5. Old
    Chief's Avatar
    Like the title says Iraq and Kuwait.. Some are more so for Iraq. Hence #53
    #41 is two fold. The Registering Mortars part obviously not Kuwait. But in Kuwait the local EOD would blow up ordance every Friday. They would send out an email to the entire base telling exactly what time they would do it. Usually about 15-30 minutes ahead of time. But, our service wasnt all that and alot of times the email came in about 10-30 minutes after you heard a big boom and the crap on the walls hit the floor.
    Posted 04-26-2011 at 06:52 PM by Chief Chief is offline
  6. Old
    Wish I would have prepared like this before I went the first time...Thanks for the laugh
    Posted 04-27-2011 at 01:56 PM by heck1986 heck1986 is offline
  7. Old
    Kawaii's Avatar
    Every time I scroll by this I see Kuwait and think it's my name.
    Posted 04-28-2011 at 04:23 PM by Kawaii Kawaii is offline
  8. Old
    Gerber's Avatar
    Can someone explain 53?
    Posted 04-29-2011 at 05:04 PM by Gerber Gerber is offline
  9. Old
    Panda's Avatar
    Even if it's common, c'mon that's crossing the line of good taste. I'm not some stuck up Catholic conservative, but killing your family dog....
    Posted 04-29-2011 at 10:12 PM by Panda Panda is offline
  10. Old
    Falcon's Avatar
    Because he is clearly recommending that you actually do all this.
    Posted 04-30-2011 at 01:02 AM by Falcon Falcon is offline
  11. Old
    Panda's Avatar
    I know it's fake, I just didn't find 53 funny. Everything else was great.
    Posted 04-30-2011 at 06:47 AM by Panda Panda is offline
  12. Old
    Chief's Avatar
    Due to a piss poor comment that I have since deleted I guess its time for a disclaimer.
    Folks...I am not saying you should do this stuff. But if you did, it would be a great representation of what to expect on a deployment.
    BOA. I understand the fact that you didnt find #53 funny. Two things. Its your right to not like it. Its your right to say you dont like it. I respect that and I apologize if this offended you. I wont redact it though. I also thank you for writing what you had to say tactfully.

    As the last line says: "..... all good humor has its basis in truth." basically meaning, the list is basically true.

    Folks, dont use my thread to bash someone else in a negative tone. You will be deleted.
    Posted 05-02-2011 at 05:55 PM by Chief Chief is offline
  13. Old
    xaint's Avatar
    This is probably the funniest thing I've seen in a long time! Being in the National Guard I can totally relate to #47. Good stuff!
    Posted 05-05-2011 at 12:34 PM by xaint xaint is offline
  14. Old
    79stang's Avatar
    I really liked this, the GF didnt get it though.
    Posted 05-12-2011 at 11:08 AM by 79stang 79stang is offline
  15. Old
    TommyTuba's Avatar
    LOVE the list Chief!!!
    Posted 07-11-2011 at 10:08 PM by TommyTuba TommyTuba is offline
 

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