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AO Dream Theatre Presents...

Posted 11-23-2009 at 02:21 PM by Agent Spencer
Darkness.

And then a voice.

A familiar voice.

Duo's voice?!

“Tonight on another episode of Airsoftican Idol! Join me, your host Duo Seacrest as we search for new contestants for this season!”

Oh that's normal... Yea, it's reasonable that airsoft would be mainstream enough to have something like this on national TV hosted by the bastardized hybrid of Duo_Chan and Ryan Seacrest, wearing a Dr. House outfit. Don't question it. Just go with it.

The scene materialized in front of me. I was standing in a long line of people, all wearing camouflage, and a few with tactical gear. There was a bear in a MARPAT business suit a few people up, big bottle of some kind of alcohol in his paw. Situation Normal. This is a common occurrence. 75% of you reading this have already voted 'yes' in a poll to submit me to a mental hospital. But, I can assure you, nothing was out of place. We were all just in line to try out for the hit show Airsoftican Idol. It's not a big deal. Really. The line was moving slowly, and the bear was growing restless. Started looking around, darting its eyes. Finally it turned around and it's eyes widened as it seemed to recognize me. Great. Do dapperly dressed manbears get munchies when they drink? I supposed that I was about to find out.

“Hey Spencer.” The bear said. Without moving it's mouth. Sauced-up Telepathic MARPAT Manbear. It occurred to me that I was being irrational, and that this fellow was actually a well respected member that we all knew.

“Hey Texx, how's it going?” I said back. It totally was Texx. Trust me.

“Oh you know, same ole' same ole'.” Texx telepathi-said. “I'm planning on winning this season and then using the profits to buy the rights to the state name of Texas and insert an extra x. Then my map company will make billions.”

This was followed by electronic manbear laughter.

I noticed at that instance that the MARPAT suit he had on was indeed patterned after a MARPAT colored/digitized map of the earth. This also made me remember that Texx did in fact own the map-making corporation MARMAP. Slipped my mind somewhere before.

“Oh, that sounds good man. Best of Luck.” I said, as he turned back to face the front of the line and swilled whatever concoction he was drinking.

A guy being followed by a camera crew started heading my way. Crap. Duo Seacrest with the pre-performance interviews.

“And up next, a randomly selected contestant will perform for the judges.”

Random. Good word. Not me. Not me. Not me. Pick Texx. Just not...

“Agent Spencer, you've been selected.” Duo Seacrest spoke into the microphone and looked back and forth at me and the camera. “Now go in there and give it all you got.”

Walking out of the line and down the corridor, I found two large double doors at the head of the line. And a few angry faces that weren't pleased that I was allowed to go in front of them.

I pulled the door open, walking into a large rectangular room, judges on the far side of it, sitting behind a table. Each of them had Coke's in front of them, on the table.

Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell, right? No, this is Airsoftican Idol. Sitting at the table, from my left to my right were:

Black Urban Marine: Yes, I've seen the African-American Urban Marine, wearing thick framed glasses.

Iron Maiden: Apparently, whatever she had been drinking out of her Coke cup wasn't Coke, because she was acting rather loopy. But she was a judge, so I decided not to point that out.

And last, the sarcastic Brit.... Knightmare? Yea. Knightmare does have a British Accent. Things seem normal.

“Alright, so. What will you be singing for us?” Knightmare said, sounding just about identical to Simon Cowell.

“Well, I'll be singing ECHO 1 Barrett REC7.” It's legitimate, you can sing a gun, right? Totally, I thought to myself. I got this.

“Great Dawg. Let us hear it.” Black Urban Marine said, grinning.

At this point, I noticed that a chronograph was sitting on a tripod directly ahead of me.

Walking up to it, I took a deep breath, and started singing ECHO 1 Barrett REC7.

On a side note, apparently ECHO 1 Barrett REC7 sounds an awful lot like Streamline, by the Newtons. Which is instrumental.

Finishing the song, I sighed with relief. Until I looked at the judges faces.

“UM?” Knightmare said, tilting back in his chair to glance at him, and cue him to give his opinion.

“Yea, dawg, it was a little pitchy. Okay, it was really pitchy. It sounded like you were using like point twelves man. And for twelves it was good. But you shoulda gone with point twenty's at least dawg. So I think I'm gonna have to say no. But thanks for coming out, dawg. Maiden?” UM said, gesturing with his hands as he spoke.

“I think that ECHO 1 is the best. You're the best. You're going to be the next Airsoftican Idol. Don't listen to this guy.” Maiden poked Urban Marine before jumping up in her seat, yelling Yay!, then sitting back down, looking at Knightmare.

“That was absolutely retarded.” Perfect Brit-accented Knightmare started. “Not to mention you are far, far above FPS requirements that are allowed here. Get out. Just quit airsoft all together.”

My brow furrowed. Had I been singing hot? Looking down at the chronograph confirmed that I'd apparently just sang at 975 FPS. My stomach wrenched. Not only had I sang using twelves, but I'd sang at way too high of an FPS. This was the end of the line. Saddened at my massive failure, I walked out into the hallway, letting the door slam behind me.

Duo was waiting, with the camera crew and his microphone.

“So, you'll do better next year. Maybe go with a gun by Tokyo Marui, you know, one of the golden oldies.” Duo spoke more to the camera then me this time.

I started walking away as Duo turned fully to the camera, starting the episodes sendoff.

“And that's all we have time for tonight folks, next week join us next week for another exciting episode of Airsoftican Idol. But for now, Darkstar out.

Spinning around, bewildered, I saw only a pile of Duo's House outfit, laying there. Obi-Wan Kenobi Style. Walking the other way, was indeed Darkstar, walking away, in a Multicam suit, joking with the camera guys.

I continued walking out of the building, and onto the streets. A limousine pulled up alongside me as I walked down the sidewalk. The rear window unrolled and smoke billowed out as I attempted to peer in. Sitting in the back seat with a Miller High Life in one hand and a cigar in the other, Mavrick grinned back at me.

“Oh, hey Spenny. Guess who just got promoted? Me. Yup, it turns out, I'm Locutus' favorite. So to celebrate I figured I'd get you this.”

Reaching into his sportscoat pocket, Mav withdrew a small package and handed it to me. The window rolled back up with a carcinogenic plume wafting out at me, and the limousine sped down the street until it went airborne and flew off.

Gazing down at the package, I unwrapped it it to reveal a Tornado Grenade, with a note attached to the pin.

“Agent Spencer has been BANNED by Mavrick”.

My eyes widened as the pin slid out of the grenade, without any effort at all.

“No...”

Blackness exploded, and I found myself lying in bed, head under the pillow.
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Comments

  1. Old
    Red's Avatar
    WHAT THE ****, MAN
    Posted 11-23-2009 at 02:25 PM by Red Red is offline
  2. Old
    UrbanMarine's Avatar
    Cocaine is a mother ****er.
    Posted 11-23-2009 at 02:42 PM by UrbanMarine UrbanMarine is offline
  3. Old
    Texx's Avatar
    It's usually best not to try to interpret dreams, Spencer.
    Posted 11-23-2009 at 03:10 PM by Texx Texx is offline
  4. Old
    Dougrich's Avatar
    wow...umm...and I thought I had messed up dreams till now atleast.
    Posted 11-23-2009 at 03:30 PM by Dougrich Dougrich is offline
  5. Old
    CaineHazen's Avatar
    Strangley I was sending out vibes from within the walls of my dark pit slumbering. When Titan ran out after the lights cut out in solitary, I thought of you...

    Although I have taken Red as the next victim; when the sleeper dreams, all airsofters will feel the vibrations.

    Ph'nglui mglw'nafh K'yan M'nsfeld wgah'nagl fhtagn
    Posted 11-23-2009 at 04:39 PM by CaineHazen CaineHazen is offline
  6. Old
    knightmare's Avatar
    I was giggling uncontrollably the entire time I was reading this. But seriously Spencer, I think you need help, lol.
    Posted 11-23-2009 at 06:19 PM by knightmare knightmare is offline
  7. Old
    Agent Spencer's Avatar
    cstell'bsna n'gha K'yan
    Posted 11-23-2009 at 07:17 PM by Agent Spencer Agent Spencer is offline
  8. Old
    Odin37's Avatar
    I thought this was nessacary because of UrbanMarine's comment lol

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PR_r...eature=related
    Posted 11-23-2009 at 07:22 PM by Odin37 Odin37 is offline
  9. Old
    Dace's Avatar
    Ha you got BANNED lol jk
    Posted 11-23-2009 at 10:25 PM by Dace Dace is offline
  10. Old
    Posted 11-23-2009 at 11:20 PM by UrbanMarine UrbanMarine is offline
  11. Old
    Texx's Avatar
    Blogging is a gateway drug to other more serious addictions...
    Posted 11-24-2009 at 10:58 AM by Texx Texx is offline
  12. Old
    ECHOES's Avatar
    Spencer. First you want a P90, now this? Intervention time...
    Posted 11-24-2009 at 01:22 PM by ECHOES ECHOES is offline
  13. Old
    Sturmtrooper's Avatar
    I'm sure if we wrote down our dreams, you would be normal.
    Posted 11-24-2009 at 06:34 PM by Sturmtrooper Sturmtrooper is offline
 

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